alright loves______subscribe to this beast;; otherwise known as my new xanga.

http://www.xanga.com/sexx____itxup

should i rejoin xangaaa?! leave comments yo!

<3333 ryn ryn

http://www.livejournal.com/users/xreadyxsetxdiex/

Look at that biznitch....I mean come on. Xanga's are over rated pieces of poop. I think we should all switch to LJ! Yayayayayay! If you have a LJ then tell me what it is...I will surely add you!!

Much love my homie g playa's!

I LOVE YOU AMBERLY!!!!!....and ruben!!

<3 ryn

Today was not the greatest ever....I don't know what's going on lately. Do I come across as a bad influence? Obviously Amberly's mom and brother don't like me. They are suspicious that she is coming to my house and doing drugs. I am the LAST person that would do drugs. I watched my stepdad die from that. It hurts to know that my best friend's mom doesn't trust me. I just want to be liked and accepted. I don't want to be an outcast because of my emotions. I will admit that I am depressed....severely depressed. I am not ashamed though. I am getting help for my unstabilities. I was brave enough to get help when I tried committing suicide...you would think that people would realize that it takes a strong person to admit you have a problem, and go off for a week and a half to get help just to make other people happy. I didn't want to live...I was tired of myself, but I went and got help because I knew that I was cared for by my dad. I love him so much. I am so scared that he is going to run away from me and my issues like my mom did. I was sitting in class today, and I thought of how much I wish I had a mom that took care of me, and was there when I needed her....I started crying and wrote this----------

Another day of sadness....One more day of shattering hopes. Another day of agony....Trying hard to act happy. Making everyone think I'm fine. I start to believe my own lies....Sometimes the fake smiles seem real. I come back to reality...They are just illusions. A mask that covers what I truely am inside. I can't smile...I am broken and alone inside. Someone like me can't possibly be happy. What a dark place I'm in...I get so cold and lonely. I shiver at the thought of being this way for the rest of my life. Caged by my depression...unable to break loose from the strong grip it has on me. I am flooded with memories of my past. Memories that turn into nightmares when I sleep. There is no escape. Everywhere I go....It follows. I'm lost...confused...hopeless. The lust for happiness eats away at me daily. Why can't I be normal? Why am I stuck in my own hell? A hell that I have created....my dark place. It's frightening....unbearable at times. There's nothing I can do....I'm trapped.

---Yea...but anywho...tonight was better. I went to dinner with my lovely family that I love dearly, and the Henderson's. It was Shannon's birthday bash. I was having fun. Amberly and I had a very nice conversation. I love her...I adore her. She is such a beautiful person. She deserves the best.

<eryn3

»I just need to let everything out.....«

I don't know what to think anymore. I am really hurt. I feel betrayed and lonely. I don't know what it is. I don't get how guys think that they can just hurt me and expect me not to get upset. I can't take much more. I allow myself to believe them when they tell me they love me. I should know by now that it isn't true. They claim to love me...until they find someone else and move on. I think I want to be loved by someone so bad, I don't think about it before I fall into their trap. I just want to be wanted by someone. I am tired of being alone and having no one to lean on. I have been talking to Daniel alot lately. He is amazing. I really like him alot. He is the only person that I can talk to without worried about being judged. I have been talking to him for about a year or so, and he hasn't hurt me once. I don't know what it is about him. I know that I have said this about all the other guys I talk to, but I know that he is different. I think it's because he has been hurt by so many girls. He has been heavily affected by his past relationships. I feel closest to him right now. I hope nothing happens between us. I don't know what I'd do if we stopped talking. About the whole thing that happened with the guy tonight. You know who you are, and you know you've lost me. I didn't realize that you were still head over heels for Justine. If you would have told me that you had all those feelings for her, I wouldn't have let myself get caught up in all your lies. It is really sad that you would take someone as vunerable as myself, and take advantage of me. I can't believe that you would hurt me so bad, and then still claim to have feelings for me. I don't think that you have any respect for me, or my situation. I don't appreciate the fact that you ran away when I was trying to see what was going on, and the fact that you told me that you loved me while I was telling you my emotions. That isn't something someone who supposedly cares so much about me would do. I thought you really wanted to get to know me, and find out what kind of person I really was....but no. I was someone who was already broken and couldn't really get any lower, and you found it the perfect time to lift me up....try to get something from me (I'm still unsure what...maybe you and Justine were having problems), then leave me cold, and more bent out of shape then before. As far as I'm concerned...you are nothing to me anymore. I thought I could actually have a serious relationship with you one day....all that hope is gone. It's over...we will never be more then a memory. Something that could have been great if it wasn't for your lies and manipulation. Thanks for showing me what kind of person I don't want to have anything to do with.

<33